That was the session I hate. When my regular - the asshole lawyer - beats the shit out of me, and one of the girls helps. I hurt like a motherfucker. I hate heavy sub sessions. If I'd met this guy today, I'd never fucking see him again. But I've known him for like thirteen years. I used to be younger and I used to like pain a lot more.
I kept having to use my safe word over and over and he'd still think of more and more painful things to do. I feel my body tensing up now. Esp. around the neck and shoulders. And lower back.
I could be out of it for a couple of days now. I mean in super pain.
I think I might have to let this one go. He's not really worth it.
I just get scared about letting a regular go. Maybe I won't find another. I mean, I'm forty-six, I'm overweight, the clients don't grow on trees anymore. I wish they did. But they don't.
Shit.

Just people harassing me. I don't see why people feel as though they need to. If someone attacks me, I'm going to defend myself. If someone can't handle it, they should go to the moderator. So far, I haven't heard a damn thing from the moderators. Why? Because my attitude is fit for the Internet. Maybe it's not the best attitude, but people's stupidity is very annoying. Why did my post annoy him/her? What buttons did it hit? Just the fact that I would defend myself in an assertive and angry manner? That shit happens all the time on the Internet. So does people attacking other people. These people would never want to "Friend" me. They are confused, twenty-something kids who can't take what I say because they don't have the vocabulary to express themselves the same way I do.
"Your attitude is not fit for the Internet"
Who elected this kid the Internet God?

A lot coming up right now. PTSD stuff from the past. I need not to stay flooded.

I don't know why I care what some little cunt in the "Edie Sedgwick" community thinks about my poetry, but both times I've written poetry in a community, at least someone has felt the need to tell me what crap my poem was.
I have two chapbooks out (both from the 80's), my picture was in "Time" magazine reading poetry to an audience, and I have two poems in a major anthology that came out in the 90's.
I haven't written as much in the last decade or so because I've been busy getting a Masters degree in Psychology.
I had wanted to try writing again. I thought (still think) posting some on LJ would be a good idea - possibly help me write more and get some idea of how I'm doing. I only hope that if my Friends here feel compelled to tell me my poetry is "Extremely Bad", they can give me some examples and maybe some ideas on how to make it better.
This is the last time I am going to put a poem on an LJ community. It's like throwing pearls to piglets.
Maybe she'll go through a long period in which she can't get laid no matter how hard she tries. She'd deserve it.
I should not be this pissed, I know, by anything some stranger writes to me on a blog-site. But I am. I really am.

So, my partner said he was going to go get some food, and he's been gone at least 45 minutes. He left his cell at home, so I can't call him and find out where the hell he is. I hope he didn't get hurt or something. He's overweight, his health isn't real good. He didn't even get money from me. He had said I needed to give him some money for food, but he didn't know what he wanted. And he had woken me up mid-afternoon (I nap on weekends) and tried to get me to drink some wine (I'm not drinking now).
I get this thing sometimes where I get really scared and worried when I don't know where he is. I'm there now. I wish I knew what the hell he was up to. And if anything happened to him, would anyone know how to find me and tell me?
I hate this.

Well, the tooth is out. It wasn't really that bad; they had my mouth so full of local anasthetic that I didn't feel any pain, but it was still weird to feel somebody pulling a tooth out. Took some painkillers; didn't follow their directions very well (besides not eating anything really hard to chew and not brushing my teeth for at least 24 hours).
Today, I'm going to this day program again.
I really need to get this resume thing going. Okay, so I don't have much experience at resumes. I need to stop waiting for someone to show me how to make a resume that will stand out, and just make a fucking resume. Stalling....
K.

Tomorrow, the back tooth gets pulled. I don't want them to pull the rest, even though the gums have ridden down on two teeth more in front and are exposing -what? - bone? Lower part of tooth? What? I'm so worried and pissed about this. I'm already older and overweight. I don't want to be the kind of ugly you can't fix. Important to have teeth in the front. How long before these teeth go off?
K.

One or two of my teeth on the bottom are starting to go off. I don't know what to do.

Mark has the pressure on me to get my resume together and go get a straight job. We were going to see if a friend of ours could help me revamp said resume; he was over here last night in such a bad move I didn't dare ask him for anything.
Mark says that people are going to find it incomprehensible that anybody with an MA in Psychology could possible have trouble getting a resume together. I told him most people with an MA in Psychology had not been in the sex industry most of their adult life. That didn't fly with him at all. Another excuse.

I keep getting tests to try to find out why I have chronic pain. On July 1, they are going to test me for fibromyalgia. My doctor says it's a "wastebasket diagnosis", because all they can do to me is give me painkillers. There has to be more than that, but I'd take the painkillers. This pain is almost debilitating. Going to work is hell on my body. I hurt everywhere with no detectable pattern to suggest a diagnosis. Sucks.

Somewhere in "Lost Souls", by Poppy Z. Brite, Christian (a vampire) wonders how humans can possibly feel lonely when there are so many of them.
So, why do I have no idea who to call or who to hang with and my husband won't talk to me on the phone because he's too busy? Why are so many of us trying to make friends with people who aren't even local just to feel connected? What is it with us humans?

I am home waiting for the plumber, and this bitch I don't like keeps ringing the doorbell. She knows I don't like her; why doesn't she just go away? I have to keep checking who is ringing the doorbell because of the plumber, and I don't want her to see me in the window. She was staying here for awhile, and she stole a bunch of my clothes. I don't want her in here stealing more. I bought this faux leather coat from her awhile back and she fucking stole it back from me. I had a ton of clothes before she started hanging out.
I hope she goes away and doesn't see me let the plumber in.

I'm missing therapy because of the plumber. I want to do a brief phone check-in. Shit, now my asshole housemate is here. At least, he won't let anyone in. He won't do anything. That's why I have to wait for the plumber.

As some of you kn0w, I try to be supportive of people on my Friends Page. Sometimes, I'll go through periods of time when I can't be, or when my own journal reflects a lot of pain, but I hope you all know that I still care. And I like reading your journals. And thanks for being there.
K.

Now, what was I bitching about this morning (yes, I'm aware I bitch a lot in this journal)? Oh, people who add you as a friend without even asking and they only have one or two entries (if that), and not enough info about them to know that they're not either deranged sex fiends with no interest in anything but collecting women they think are sexy, have sexy jobs, work in the sex industry, whatever - or they are 'bots. And you check to see who has "friended" them and the list is waaaay shorter than the list of people they've added. So, you KNOW these people get every journal entry you write, and they are either not real, or not willing to reveal enough of themselves to SOUND real in their posts or profiles.
Am I going to have to mark most of my journal entries "friends only"? I never hear from these people once they friend me, they're just lurking for God-Only-Knows-What reason.

So, I was in a sleep study and they woke me up too early, so my sleeping pills hadn't worn off. So, I was disoriented and managed to fall into the bathtub either before or after I used the bathroom. So, they called Mark to come out and get me. So, now it's back to "you take too many pills" and to top it off, I am in even more pain than ever. I'm tired of all of this; how the fuck did my life get like this? I graduated Magna from SF State; I HAD potential! Now, I have an MA in Psychology, I am supposed to go out into the worst job market since the Great Depression in the '30's, and I'm scared to death, and I AM on too many medications.
Mark said he can't care about me anymore because it hurts too much.
Not the way I would have expected things to be at the end of graduate school.
My doctor wants me to take tests to see if I have fibromyalgia. So what is that? There is nothing doctors can do about this - according to my doctor - except to prescribe pain medication. So what would that be - MORE pills?
I'm sick of the pills, sick of the pain, sick of Mark.
Let me leave, some loser chick will want to move in; he won't be alone.
I didn't want ME to be the loser chick.

Tonight, I'm going to a motel where they have a sleep disorders clinic. They want to see if I have sleep apnea. I was supposed to not nap during the day. I got up at 7:30 though, got some food for Mark and me, and went back to bed until 11:30 or something. I don't know if that counts as a nap since it was so early. I kind of see it as a disruption in sleep because I was in so much pain the first time I got up, and then later, I wasn't in as much pain.
I really want to just check out today. My parents were here for four days and now they're gone. I feel tired and achy from running around the museum and wearing uncomfortable shoes at my graduation (I borrowed them from work; I don't have any comfortable flats anymore).
What are modest pajamas? Can I show my lower legs? I wonder. I don't really have matching pajamas; for some reason, the tops seem to disappear on trips ant things like that. I do have a pajama top and various pajama-like pants. So, I think I'll be okay. And I can bring snacks; Mark says I should take a small fruit salad. I have to be there at 7:30. I have to find stuff to do until then. Maybe put away the laundry; I got too busy to do that over the weekend. Just trying to figure all this stuff out.
Oh well.....

My parents are here now. If I ever actually have time to finish this post, we did the graduation ceremony thing, and...yesterday, we went to the Academy of Sciences in Golden Gate Park. I would recommend this museum to anybody who is in San Francisco on vacation or whatever. There is a huge rain forest and aquarium. You can see so many different species of fish and lizards and frogs. You can even touch sea urchins and star fish. It is a little expensive to get in (25 bucks per person, but it is worth it.
I am in so much pain today from walking, I will probably try to go back to sleep now. It was really good, though.
Kathleen

I did a lot of things to try to save this tooth, but it looks like I am going to have to have it extracted. That's all they will do at Western Dental, and the dental school's clinic is going to be closed for awhile. I think my insurance is going to stop paying for full dental. It's expensive; I don't think I can afford to have a root canal. Even adding a filling would be expensive.
There are things about me that I don't like and want to change. Like being too dependent on Mark, and not always being nice to people. Other things too. I think I'm annoying. It's often more difficult for me in the morning. I'll wake up down on myself or worried about something.
I'm going to a sleep disorders clinic this morning to try and find out if I have sleep apnea. This is an introductory appointment; they said they were doing something involving my lungs. We will see. Too many doctors' appointments this month.
It looks like I have to go soon. Wish me luck.
K.

It's amazing what kind of shit is on LJ. Like 5-member hate groups on any kind of person you can imagine. And they think they're so cool when they're really obnoxious little fucks.
And then there's people I value. I hope you know who you are.
I fired my sponsor today. She said she didn't feel qualified anyway, but she didn't want to dump me. I'm stepping back a bit. Making my own choices. Not going back to using, not giving up on recovery, just looking at what makes sense to me and what doesn't.
I'm tired of just doing what other people say because they say that's what I have to do. I don't HAVE to do anything you say.
I used to be tougher, or I thought I was. I don't HAVE to toughen up because you say so, either.
I'm not perfect, I can be a bitch, too. I can get hurt and lash out. I'm supposedly crazy. I'm not even sure about that. Sometimes, I think I just see things differently, and have certain habitual ways of thinking and relating that are annoying, or maybe scary to some people. But, I'm not violent. People trip out too much. And I'm not leaving myself out. I trip out. But I don't need to hate myself and try to please everybody.
My last user-pic was me in a blue gown. Some chick said, "is that you?" I said "yes, why?" "I just thought it was funny", she said. I wonder how she'll look when she's forty-four (if she lives that long). It's easy to laugh when your metabolism is in overdrive. Hey, I could laugh at you, too. How many times did you throw up yesterday? And are those track marks you're covering up with those fingerless fishnet gloves? Like maybe you think people aren't on to that?
I know this entry is everywhere. I don't care.
Later.

Now Mark is saying if I change the way I think about myself, he'll buy me a work wardrobe. Maybe I'm just this vain, wild girl who grew old and doesn't know what to do with herself anymore.
Me: So, what can I do with a Master's Degree in Psychology?
My Advisor: you could do administrative.
Me: Like, in what kind of places?
My Advisor: Small-profit.
Me: But, could you give me some ideas of what kinds of jobs or certain jobs that might be looking
My Advisor: No.
Me: I'd like to do something where I could have at least some contact with clients, even if I wasn't doing therapy.
My advisor: I would say look on Craig's List.
(All my dreams go down the tubes. They didn't want me to do therapy with clients. Now, it looks like some kind of unfathomable desk job. Maybe I'm not using my imagination. But, come on. Everyone looks on Craigslist. What are my chances of finding a good, well-paying job on there? I think my school just wanted me out of there. They don't want to help me succeed. That's for the Practicum people. And people ask me why I'm not thrilled I've graduated).

Graduated for what?